Archive for the ‘Religion’ Category

After  Harold’s failed attempt at being right for once I had thought that no one could top him. Wrong.  Riding on the heels of Harold’s shitstorm of fail comes a knight in cloth armor and white horse that has graciously decided to reveal himself to us as…drum roll..you guessed it.  The second coming  of Jesus.  I can’t make this up.  As creative as I am even this would be a stretch.  According to the folks at Ra-el.org:

He(Ra-el) is the prophesied “Second Coming of Jesus the Christ”, and we will provide proof of His identity.

Aaand here are some of the points of ‘proof’..

1. Matthew 24:30 tells us that right before the appearance of Christ, “…the sign that the Son of Man is coming will appear in the heavens…”  On January 28th 2011, over a billion people in India could see the clear image of Jesus on the moon, and though the story was widely reported throughout the region, it was suppressed throughout the rest of the world.

Really? They open with this? I mean, you’d think that they would reel people in with a better example than that. I think for most people including myself, realize that it was not reported throughout the world because it had as much credibility as a poorly staged UFO sighting. Even the local priests in the area didn’t take it seriously.

More proof..

2. The Bible tells how the Messiah will make His return known “in the clouds” so that “every eye will see Him”.

The Bible often speaks in metaphors, and as many who study ancient prophecies will tell you, quite often a prophecy cannot be properly interpreted until the time of its unfolding, because the language used in the original prophecy wouldn’t make sense without a modern understanding. An example is Hopi prophecies that described an “iron snake” crossing the country, we now know that the Hopi were prophesying “trains”.

We know that if the Messiah appeared in the clouds, it would be impossible for every eye to see Him, because the earth is round, and clouds only cover about half of the planet. On the other hand, there are “clouds” that everyone can see at the same time… The Internet, as well as private intranets, are now called “the clouds” (as in “cloud computing”), and the announcement of Lord Ra-El, on May 21st 2011, less than 4 months after the sign on the moon, has been made in the clouds, so every eye can see him.

I prophesize that we will be watching holographic tv in our living rooms with different channels depending on what side of the room your sitting on. This does not make me a prophet. Just a guy with a lucky guess. Also, sorry to burst your bubble..er..cloud.. But the global access to “cloud computing” is more like 30% against the world population according to these folks. Maybe you should send Jesus an email and tell him to pass the word on to stick to the actual clouds because the average global cloud cover at any one time is more like 40%.

More..

3. Generally, Gnostics do not believe Jesus was born of a literal virgin; they do however believe His was a divinely ordained “miracle birth” during the zodiac period of Virgo (a later misinterpreted astrological reference to “virgin birth”). It is believed that when He returns, He will be born under the sign of Gemini (astrologically representing “II” or “second”). Many Gnostics further believe that by the will of God, the mother of Jesus was actually impregnated by a Roman Soldier.

During the post WWII eugenics movement that swept the United States, Lord Ra-El’s mother (Ruth, daughter of Mary) was surgically forced sterilized, and rendered completely unable to have children. Years later, she laid with a man named William Collins, an Italian man who was in the Army (Roman Soldier), this man was also a Rosicrucian (those that carry the hidden knowledge of Christ). By this union, Ruth miraculously became pregnant, and gave birth to Lord Ra-El under the sign of Gemini.

Interestingly, in modern Illuminist teachings, it is understood that the Collins bloodline is the “mystical line”, that many believe is actually the true Davidic bloodline of Jesus.

Ok one more, then i’ll stop.

23. On May 21st, Lord Ra-El addressed the world, and warned that He was about to carry out a bitter chastisement upon the Christians of America. As the Lord’s justice is swift, within hours the “buckle of the Bible Belt” (the area of the U.S. with the highest concentration of Christians) was nearly erased from the map, as never before seen powerful tornadoes suddenly and unexpectedly exploded through the region. Weather officials said that they had never seen such powerful tornadoes, that seemed to “target” populated areas. What happened that day was never witnessed before in recorded history.

This is a key part of the “judgment against the church”, and the fulfillment of prophecy in the Gnostic Testament of Levi. In Levi 5:12-14 “And after their punishment shall have come from the Lord, the priesthood shall fail. Then shall the Lord raise up a new priest. And to him all the words of the Lord shall be revealed; and he shall execute a righteous judgment upon the earth for a multitude of days.

Wow, talk about shaving a square peg down to get it to fit into your round hole. This is a bit of a stretch.

Anyway, people actually believe this shit. I have one question though. What would have happened if Harold was right and the rapture took place as he predicted? Ra-el would have announced his coming and then shortly thereafter been whisked away by the  rapture or did he plan on hanging around with the rest of us during the tribulation?

Here is what gets me about this.  Notice the name in the website URL ‘Ra-el’. Now look at the name of the registrant from a simple whois lookup of the site owner below (who, by the way, is his mom):

Domain ID:D162078387-LROR
Domain Name:RA-EL.ORG
Created On:20-Apr-2011 08:54:14 UTC
Last Updated On:14-May-2011 14:40:22 UTC
Expiration Date:20-Apr-2012 08:54:14 UTC
Registrant ID:D130327274219249
Registrant Name:Ruth Howard-Lear < <<<< (This is his mom, LOL FAIL)
Registrant Organization:Private Registration US
Registrant Street1:PO Box 61359
Registrant City:Sunnyvale
Registrant State/Province:CA
Registrant Postal Code:94088
Registrant Country:US
Registrant Phone:+1.5105952002
Registrant Email:contact@myprivateregistration.com

Ra-el – Lear See the similarities. And apparently Jesus is in Sunnyvale Ca too. Not a bad place to point your cannons of bullshit at everyone else around you.   Also, try not to kill anyone with your crap.  Mr. Ra-el and his mom are definitely deserving of  “we’re just fucked”  status.

We’ll close with some fine YouTube rhetoric from the biblical duo

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